What if all we had was all we'd ever need?

August 12- It's been a month. A month ago, on July 12, around 1:13 in the morning, Danny messaged me on Facebook. The first message that started everything. I came back from vacation today (the 12), so I went to the festival. (St. Rocco's) there was like no one there and we knew it was gonna be super boring so we went down to the plaza. At first we were near the YMCA parking lot and it was Helena, Steph, Cass, Zac, Joey, Joe, Matt, Danny (different Danny), and just a ton of other kids. So that Danny kid walked away and Helena went to get him and a few of us got into Zac's car and drove over there and we were driving around and stuff and it was really fun and then we went over to the side of Dunkin. My friend called me right when we were walking there and she told me to meet her in front of Dunkin and so I did and I was talking to them and I looked over to see if Helena was still over there and there he was. I walked away from them to nudge Helena and he looked at me and Scotty walked over (she's been in love with him for 7 years) and she goes "Right back atcha" and I went over to my friend (the one who called me) and Danny walked up to me and while he was walking over she goes "Heads up" and I didn't look at him and he stands next to me and puts his hand out and says "Hi" and so I put my hand on his (I thought he wanted a high five or something, I don't fucking know) and he wrapped his fingers around my hand and when I did the same he squeezed my hand and I looked up at him (I was looking at our hands) and we locked eyes and with that he walked off.

August 14- I went back behind Dunkin and he was there... Nothing was happening at all at first but then he had a water bottle (full of some vodka mix) and Helena thought it was water. So she was like "give me a sip!" and she started flipping out because it burned her mouth so she spit it out. So I said "you really thought it was water?" and I laughed. He came REALLY close to me and was like "you want a sip?" and so I backed up (against a car) and he came close (our bodies were almost touching..) and he uncapped it and was like "do you?" and I said "no.." so he backed away.

Then a while later he came into Giovanni's and he was sitting at another table with Zac but he kept looking at me..

Then when we were leaving we were saying bye to people and he had his arms around her waist and they kissed and it was a long kiss and it broke my heart into nine million pieces and I wanted that to be me, so bad.

August 19- I went down to the plaza for the night (when don't I). Morgan Piv and I sat at a table and he was the first to come over and sit with us and we started talking about The Woman In Black because Piv just watched it at Olivia's house and by then Morgan W and Emily came over and sat with us and we were talking about how messed up it was and I was like "I don't even know, I started watching it halfway through.." and he was like "I saw it three times." and Emily was like "I watched it when I was high so I have no clue what's going on" and Danny was like "I was once it was hilarious" and I was like "Why'd you go three times?" and he was like "It was with different people but it was all in the theaters" and I was like "Oh." and then we all went up to Sherwood and the girls were on the merry-go-round and Danny, Zac, Andrew and a bunch of other boys were on the swings and then girls were playing Never Have I Ever and the guys walked over and we were like "Ohi?" and they grabbed onto the poles and started spinning us and all the girls were flipping out and I was like "Why're you flipping?" and we laughed and they walked away and then at one point they did it again but it wasn't as bad. Then they started talking about stuff I didn't care about and so I walked over to the swings and Lexi was over there at first but she walked away. So it was Zac, Danny, Andrew and I and the guys were on the swings but I was standing and Zac was like "Hi Ashley! I'm honored to be your profile picture on Facebook! HIGHFIVE?!" and I was like "Yeah, haha" and he hit my wrist the first time (he was swinging so it wasn't that easy) and then I was like "Oh wow that sucked" and he was like "Again!" and we highfived again and he was like "Can I wear your sweatshirt?" and I was like "Why?" and I laughed and he was like "Because. What does it say?" and I read it (something about my dance studio and he was like "Oh never mind."  then Danny got off the swing and walked over to me and was like "Hi. Can I hold your satchel?" I was like "Sure. Why'd you call it a satchel though?" and he was like "That's what its called.." and he put it on the wrong way and was like "Is this how it goes?" and I was like "No, its not." and he was like "Oh well." and started swinging it around and then he took it off and walked over to the swing with my purse and I so I was like "Can I have that?" and he was like "No, its mine." and hugged it and I was like "Oh." but he gave it back like five minutes later.

If you can't hang then there's the door.

I'm in Sea Isle City, New Jersey for vacation.. but tonight's the last night. xP

Well, Danny has a girlfriend.

She knew I liked him, so she kissed him, and now they're dating. 

Yup.

So I haven't texted him since last Friday because that was the day before they started going out.

I haven't seen him since the night at Sherwood.

I haven't talked to him since last Friday.

I miss him so fucking bad.

I can't text him though..

He has a girlfriend, and I don't wanna do anything stupid.

I don't know what to do anymore.

I'm so close to crying right now. 

I'm so upset.

OH!

http://technicolordreams23.tumblr.com/post/28959098883/this-is-just-my-feelings-dont

Read that. (Even though it says not to, that was on my tumblr)

That is basically everything right now.

Oh, I just lied to you.

Big time.

St. Rocco's is starting up.

Remember that? I don't think I was on this blog for this.

I fixed things with Joe at St. Rocco's last year. 

... Then I ruined it again in September...

So, Mark...

(Not Mark D, Mark H....)

I never really talked about him, did I? 

He was so nice, and I really liked him.

He really liked me, but he never asked me out...

Well I threw everything that I had with him away (I had a fucking LOT) to go with Danny and it didn't even work out.

So I tried to get things at least close to how they were.

That didn't work...

I still like Mark.

I don't know what to do.

I give up on everything.. 

Goodnight..

 

There was nothing to do but laugh ;D

July 30- (At the plaza) I gave him a hug when I saw him. (: Then we were at the tables and I wasn't sitting next to him and him and one other person went to sit at another table and I was still at the other table and he pulled at my purse strap and came up to my ear and whispered "Come on, switch tables" and so I got up and sat down and then everyone raced to get a seat at the table. Then I walked away like ten minutes after and I came over and put my hands over Alexis's eyes and I guess she had Danny's phone and Danny looked at me and was like "Can you get my phone off of her Ashley?" and I gave him his phone. And then I was looking at him and he looked at me and I smiled at him and he goes "Do you have gum?" and I was like "yeah!" and he asked for a piece and I gave him one and then this other hot kid that like nine million people are obsessed with asked for one and I gave him one too haha. Then that kid (Zac) stood up and walked away so I went and sat coz I was sore and there was no other seats and the seat was right next to Danny and Alexis goes "Of course you would sit next to Danny.. And get his phone off of me for him.." I was like "So?" But Alexis was ALL OVER HIM. I was gonna hit her. Then I got home and I texted him "I want you to be completely honest. Do you have any feelings for me at all? Because I know you like Meghan and we are three years apart but I just wanted to know.." and he was like "Well to be honest I think you're cute and everything but I think we're just too different because of our age. I still wanna be your friend tho and maybe someday yaknow? But I don't want it to be awkward because you're such a nice friend !" so I said "but I'm confused.." and he said "why" and I said "you asked to hookup.." (that's what was gonna happen) and he said "I was kind of drunk.. I'm sorry/: I mean I would maybe still hookup with you but idk about dating and I don't want a relationship now anyway" and so I said "oh alright." and he was like "yee" and I said "ok." so he said "are you mad?" so I said "nope, just a little upset." and he said "Aw): I'm sorry" so I was like "it's not your fault" and he was like "it is." and I said "no it's mine." and he said "how?" and I was like "coz I liked you.." and he said "you can't control that..." and I said "I know.. But thats why it was my fault." and he never answered.

August 1- The Dream Game. Oh, Dream Game. Last year Joe asked if I was gonna go. He asked me to go with him. He was there but I didn't see him, thank god. Anyway, Danny was there. *deep breath* I was basically breaking inside.. I was with him all night. I didn't think we were gonna say a word to each other all night. I kept looking at him.. I couldn't help it.. And sometimes we would make eye contact but I would just look away. At one point he comes out of nowhere and grabs my arms and goes "Are you still mad?" and he grabbed below my shoulder so I reached up and grabbed by his wrists and I was like "no, I was never mad, I was just upset." and we were locking eyes and he was like "Why we're you upset?" and he like brought his hands to right below my boobs and they were kinda on my boobs and I didn't exactly want them there because there was a TON of people there and so I slid my hands down his wrists and held both his hands and kinda just thought of the question and mumbled "Coz I really like you" but I don't think he heard me but I don't know because before he could answer he got pulled away by someone.

August 2- At first we were all at the plaza and he either didn't have work or he got out early but anyway.. Mark S took my phone and went into my messages and went into Danny's and typed random letters and sent them. He sent "ug" before I took my phone off of him and I texted Danny again and I was like "sorry that was mark.." because things still weren't great yet between us even after he talked to me at the Dream Game. So a little while later he came over to the table and I was sitting but he was standing and he came up from behind me and rested his wrist on my shoulder and I looked up to see who it was and he had his phone in his hand and he was showing me the texts that Mark and I sent and I was like "it was Mark I promise!" and he laughed. So this Josh kid was sitting next to me and Danny goes "Yo Josh get up." and Josh was like "No dude there's a seat over there" and Danny was like "Noo I wanna sit next to my friend!" and put his hand on my back and tried to get Josh up but he just sat on the seat in between me and Josh and I was like "Oh hey" and my friend Dani was like "come over here Ash" so I went and sat next to her and he texts me and goes "Ug" and I said "it wasn't me!!):" then I walked away with Helena and we went to Sheetz with her brother quick and then we got a call saying everyone went up to Sherwood so we had Helena's brother drive us up there because literally everyone was there. At first nothing was really happening and it was kinda boring but then everyone went into the soccer field and stood there so we went to see what was going on and they were playing epic hide and seek in the woods and I was gonna play but I didn't really feel like it so I stayed on the playground with Helena. But then the team that was hiding came back to the playground because the swings were base or whatever and Helena had to go call someone so I was on the swings with Daren and Zac while everyone was coming back. Danny was walking back with someone and he came and sat on the swing next to me and at first we weren't talking but then he was looking at his cuts he got (he tripped over a log in the woods or something) and I looked back at him and I was like "Hi" and he was like "Hi! Do you have a band aid?" and I was like "Yeah, I do." so I got a band aid for him and he got the wrapper off and looked up at me and goes "Can you put it on? I only have one hand and yaknow.. You're my nurse." (the cut was on his hand) and he smiled at me and I smiled back and took the band aid and I was like "Am I?" and he was like "Yah." and so I put the band aid on his hand and I was pressing on the sides and stuff to make it stick and I accidentally pressed on the cut and he was like "Ow! That hurt." and I was like "I'm sorry!" and he was like "You did that on purpose didn't you?" and he smiled at me and I was like "No!" and I hit his forehead and he was like "I'm sweaty." and I was like "I can see that!" and I wiped my hand on his chest and he was like "oh my shirt is dirty too from when I fell" and I was like "oh dear." and he stands up and goes to someone else that was walking to the field again "Where are you going?" an they were like "ROUND 2!" and they started running across the field and I laughed and he turns to me and goes "Come on and play." and I was like "Nooo I really don't wanna." and he put his arm around my waist and dragged me along and was like "Oh come on it'll be fun." so I walked over with him. It was just the two of us walking across a very large field and he was like "Why didnt you play before?" and I was like "I wasn't friends with anyone" and he was like "Why not?" and I was like "I'm not social." and he was like "So you're a socially awkward butterfly that needs I spread her wings?" and I was like "yes.. But no, I do not." and we laughed. Once we got there he goes "you're wearing flip flops... Are you sure you wanna play?" and I was like "yah." and he was like "ok!" and when we were over there he was like talking to the guys I don't know so I was just standing there and he comes over to me after a few minutes and puts his hands below my shoulders and I put my arms just below his elbows and he looks at me for like 10 seconds so we were kinda just staring at each other like that and he goes "You seem bored." and I was like "I am." and he was like "You wanna go back?" and I was like "Kinda." and he was like "Go ahead, if you want." And he slid his hands down and held my hands and I was like "Ok, I will. But text me when you get home, ok?" and he was like "I will." and I was like "hug?" and it was again one of the most amazing hugs I've ever gotten.. He like bent down and hugged my waist and my arms were around his neck and he like pulled me up on my tippy toes and when we pulled away he grabbed my hand and just looked at me and Kayla goes "aww that was so cute!" and we were staring at each other and he was like "yeah" but he didn't look away from me and he was smiling and when I walked away he was still holding my hand so it was like where you start to walk away and just slowly let go and I was like "text me later." and I smiled and he was like "I will!" and ugh I just can't. :D

Damn that was an eventful few days. 

I wanna tell him something like this to him, but I'm afraid to..

"I just want to kiss you or hold your hand or something to see if there's really something there or if I'm just wasting my time.. I'm falling hard and falling fast and I want to know if it's all for nothing or if it's worth trying."

I just really do like him and I really want him, in all honesty.

 

I was praying that you and me might end up together.

One year ago today was the day Joe came to the plaza and I ruined everything. 

Fucking cheers.

St. Joe's started yesterday. 

Joe didn't go yesterday but he did tonight. 

Oh well.

Danny went tonight but he didn't go yesterday. 

We normally hug each other every time we see each other but I didn't get a hug yesterday. ): 

He was like "Sorry!):" and I said "Its ok!" and he was like "Good(:" 

I got a new phone! Kin one! 

Ok sorry off track. 

So I'm starting to really like him.

I was talking about St. Joe's (tonight) coz he asked about it and I was like "eh, it was decent i guess. :p" and he was like "that's good" and I was like "i guess. :p i got soaked though D:" and he was like "That's what she said Haha" and I was like "*facepalm* you would." and he was like "That's why I did :D" I was like "Dear Jesus."

He's so nice to me.

I just fucking want him ok.

Settle down with me. Cover me up, cuddle me in.

I can still hear his voice..


The last time I saw him was Sunday.. I normally don't remember things like that.. I never remembered Joe's voice like this..


Funny thing is, he always sounds drunk.


He only drank 4 times, but whenever he's at the plaza he comes straight from work, therefore he's never drunk when I see him. 


I love his voice. It always instantly makes me happier. 


I really regret not going down to the plaza yesterday. 1. I would've gotten to see him, hear his voice, etc. and 2. I would've gotten to do what is going to happen next time we see each other. 


Which can't be done in front of people.. but its gonna be done at the plaza most likely. Just maybe behind the big trucks, across the parking lot, uh, I don't know.


I'm actually curious to see where it'll happen. 


Again, nothing inappropriate.


I just cant say.

Give me love.

I'm falling hard and falling fast and I need to know if its all for nothing or not.

Dark blue, Dark blue, have you ever been alone in a crowded room?

Ok well everything is better now, so no worries. 

Cessna and Gina keep thinking I'm gonna have sex with him because we're going to do something that I cant say but its not bad at all.. and I had them guess and they're like "NO SEX" and I was like "I KNOW ITS NOT THAT" and then they finally got it right. 

Its nothing inappropriate. I promise.

Its something I'm nervous about because I've never done it before.. and if this helps, lets just say I'm carrying around mints 24/7 anymore. :)

My stomach hurt for two days straight because I was so nervous.. and I told him I was nervous and he was like "Don't be!" and I eventually was like "Okay, I'm trying to calm down." 

I haven't eaten in a while either because its so awkward if I go into BK and get food (coz he works there) so I lost like 4 or 5 pounds... which is both good and bad. :p

 

She's stuck in the class a team~

Tessa told me that my name in his phone was "Boobs" (it's not, it's "Ashley F") so at least that one's cleared up. 

When he got out of work someone screamed "GO HUG YOUR GIRLFRIEND" and he looked at me and I was looking at him so I looks away... 

I texted Danny and said "I should definitely get a hug tonight :)" Morgan W comes over and goes "Are you and Danny talking?" and I was like "Yeah.." and she was like "Like, talking-friend talking? Or like talking-dating?" and I was like "we aren't dating.. But we're talking" so she said "so talking-going to date?" and I was like "I guess" and she was like "are you gonna date?" and I said "if he asks me out.. Then yeah.. But if he doesn't, then we aren't gonna date." and she was like "ok. What'd you text him about?" and I said "I asked for a hug" and she goes "ok" and walks away to him and she went over to him and took his hat and put it on my head and stuff and I kept it there and some Matt kid came over and took it and Morgan goes to Danny "give her a hug" and drags him over but he hugged her from behind around her neck and she goes "give Ashley a hug not me" and he was like "practice hug" and he was still holding her like that when I stood up for a hug and he goes "how about a three way hug" and I hugged his neck and Morgan ducked away and he grabbed my waist and pulled me up so I was on my tippy toes again and I was smiling so hard and he was hugging me so tight and I was hugging him likewise and he pulled away and had his hands very low on my back and partially on my ass (but who the hell cares) and I had my arms around his neck and he smiles and goes "you smell nice" and I was like "thank you" and smiled and he goes "you didn't wear your hair down!" and I was like "you didn't tell me to!" and Morgan pulled him away and she went in back with him to talk to him and she came over after and she was like "I talked to him about it and he said you're too young" and she made a half /: half ): face and I nodded and she was like "I'm just telling you this so you don't get hurt" (or something like that) and she goes "he talks to Meghan too" and I was like "ok thank you." and she was like "sorry I was just warning you.. So don't fall for his games" and I was like "I wasn't planning on it" and she was like "ok." and I don't even know anymore. He kept looking at me and stuff but I don't know what to believe. And He is Morgan's best friend and I trust her..

Then I texted him and I just asked him if he talks to Meghan and he goes "Idk kind of i guess"

I definitely like him but I really don't know what to do...

He is love and he is all I need.

Jul 19- He took my phone and I have nothing to hide on there so I let him see it and Alexis was trying to take it off of him coz he was going in the messages (the only messages were between me and him) and I was like "let him go Alexis I dont care if he has my phone" and he was like "the only messages on here from me and her calm down" and she was all over him and I wanted to smack her so badly... And then he was playing with my one bracelet and he goes "can I have this bracelet?" and I looked up at him and said "no" and he was like "why" and I said "coz my friend made it for me" and he asked "can I have this one?" and played with/pulled at my hair tie and I was like "sure" and he pulled it off my wrist and put it on his. And then a few minutes later he put out his hand and I swear I almost put my hand in his and held his hand until I came back to reality and looked up at him and he was looking at me and I handed him my phone (that's what he wanted) and Alexis tried to get it off of him when she saw me give it to him. -_- but then when I was going I gave Helena, Gianna, and Alexis a hug and I was gonna give him a hug but I thought he didn't want one and I texted him when I got home saying "Hi!" and he said "I was just gonna text you! I didn't get a hug tonight ):" and I was like "I didn't think you wanted one!):" and Gianna wasn't gonna let me leave unless I gave him a hug. She had me pinned up to the wall! Haha it was hilarious. I'm upset I did t get to give him a hug though);

Jul 20- I expected him to get out of work at around 9 coz he did yesterday, but he didn't show up ):

UNTIL Alexis was about to pee herself so we went into to the mini mart bathroom.. And I was texting my mom back coz she was asking where to pick me up and Alexis was like "hi!" and hugged someone and I looked up and he was right there looking at me smiling with his arms out for a hug and he was like "what I don't get a hug?" and I was like "I was texting my mom back, haha" while hugging and we pulled back after like 5 seconds and he had his hands on my waist and my arms were around his neck and he was like "well you should text me" and I was like "I will, don't worry!" and he went to walk away and he locked eyes with me and was like "ill text you in a little bit" and smiled at me and I walked in the bathroom and could NOT stop smiling. (: but like it wasn't one of those pathetic hugs (neither was the first on Tuesday though). The first one was just like he held me tight and stuff and it was just amazing.. But like I didn't expect him to hold my waist when we hugged because he's tall and stuff. But this was longer and almost better. And I dont think you know how amazing I thought the first one was. But like the second one I was caught off guard and I wanted a hug so bad that I almost literally jumped into his arms. Coz was like flipping out on the inside because he was here and I was getting another hug and I looked up and he was there and I smiled so big and just threw my arms around his neck and he grabbed my waist again and this time I was on my tippy toes and I was like rocking from foot to foot and it was just so amazing and I never wanted to pull away.

You know I'd fall apart without you.

Ok so Just Girly Things is getting at my feels in the 'him' tag. God I just looked for one saying something like "having to stand on your toes to hug him' or something and I got a little carried away.. So here we go... 

 Explains itself.

 Also explains itself.

 Because I sure as hell do.

 Really badly.

 His height kills me, because its so damn perfect.

 Every damn time.

 Explains itself.

 Which was recently.

 It always does..

 I love texting him until really early. It makes me happy.

 The hugs are flawless. They make me feel like nothing else matters.

 Hi Danny :3

 Hi -again- Danny :)

 Ok we didn't kiss but I might have to stand on my toes so yeah hi.

 Every single night.

 He makes me feel so happy and I haven't had that for a while.. I really was happy today. Like I was dancing around because he put me in such a good mood from those hugs. I only saw him for two minutes yesterday, not even. But that doesn't even matter. I really just wish I was older. It would make everything so much better. I do like him and I don't care anymore. He makes me feel like I don't need anything or anyone else.. only him.

 Which happens when I'm not with him, all the time.

 I really love the height difference..

 He's not my boyfriend yet, but I hope soon.

 :)

 ASDFNAJSDUHTU DANNY.

 I almost started crying ok.

:)

Ok bye love you

I wanna make you feel wanted.

Okay, so I'm officially over Joe.

For real.

There's this kid I'm talking to, his name is Danny.

Sadly, he's 16 years old... I'm 13. 

He's super nice and funny and I'm still talking to him, like I do every night, despite the fact its almost after 1. 

We'll be texting for a while after too.

He wanted a hug, so when I saw him at the plaza today, I hugged him. 

Well I told Helena he wanted a hug so she was like "I'll hug him first!" and she walked up and was like "Hey Will" (another kid) and hugged him, "Hey Danny" hugged him, and then I sorta lost who she hugged (if she hugged anyone else) coz I gave Danny a hug. :)

But like, his hugs are literally the best thing ever.

Better than Mark's.

BETTER THAN JOE'S.

And I pinky promise you I'm not even lying. 

I've been wearing my hair up lately a lot.

He told me I looked pretty with my hair down and that I should wear it down. 

I wore my hair down today. 

If you're gonna think dirty well you shouldn't because all it means (whipped) is pretty much doing what they tell you to do without questioning it.

So I'm whipped, with the fact that he told me to wear my hair down and I did.

But anywho, back to the hug.

I have never ever had a hug that amazing.

I pinky promise.

I was behind Helena and he looked at me and I looked up at him (DAMN IS HE FUCKING TALL) and kinda just awkwardly held out my arms and smiled up at him and like I mentioned, he's tall, so I was a bit shocked when he went to hug my waist because my arms were around his shoulders/neck so I was like on my tippy toes and he held me so tight and I was so happy.

I pinky promise that made my night. 

Asdhflehifn dude I really want another hug. 

I'm being so serious. I want another hug. I'm like on the verge of tears.. because... his hug was so effing perfect. 

I pinky promise it was perfect.

You'll always be my hero, even though you've lost your mind.

Well...

Aleia likes Joe.

I love Joe. 

Aleia is probably talking to Joe right now.

I'm debating if I should send him the note or not. 


I'm actually really upset. Like I'm jealous. 

I don't want them to date.

I sound like a horrible friend but I love him. I don't think she knows that...


I just have to accept the fact that I don't have him and I never will. I really never will.

As much as I don't want to think that I know it is true and always will be. 

I think I'm gonna tell Aleia.. Helena is the only one who knows out of my friends... I don't know if I should tell her though.. I cant 

I really don't know what to do anymore. I really don't.
 

This night is a perfect shade of dark blue.

Lol so Mark was like "truth is your nice and we dont talk" and i commented "thanks&text me sometime if you want!" and he liked the comment. That's it. I'm like "oh fuck you too. like i didn't mean to text me or anything."


Yeah whatever, I don't like him anymore. Its Joe and this kid named Carmen.

He's my dad's friend's son... Haha.

I was up the lake this weekend and we found his dad's phone on shore and we went on the Facebook app to find out whose phone it was and the first boat we saw on the lake was him and he was like "Did you lose your phone?" and his dad was like "No, why?" and we held it up to him and he was like "Oh, wow. I guess I did. Thanks Mark!" and Carmen's mom was talking to me and Emily about our ages and how we got so big and who the people we were with were (Nico & Emily's boyfriend, Casey). 

She goes "Emily and.. Ashley, right?" and we nodded. Then she asked "How old now?" Emily said "16" and I said "13" and she goes "Oh! Just like Carmen. Are you going into eighth?" and I was like "Yep!" and she goes "Oh, same for him! But he goes to OLP!" and I was like "Oh, ok!" and she goes "Dunmore?" and I was like "Yep!" and on the inside I was like "Holy. Friggen. Shit. Carmen. Is. My. Age. And. He. Is. Shirtless. He's. Friggen. Cute." but on Facebook it looks like he talks to a lot of girls.

We'll never even hang out, or talk for that matter. 

So I don't think I should even bother...

But hey, its worth a shot. I guess.

I want what I can't have.

Friendly reminder that Joe did a triple take on me the day I came into Social Studies class after getting my braces on. 

I CAN'T GET THEM OFF HE WAS THE FIRST PERSON TO SEE ME OUT OF MY FRIENDS... are we even friends.. ok we were. i think.


But seriously. 

He did a triple take. He looked back and smiled like "Ohi" and then he looked back again not to mention I was beaming like he just fucking kissed me or something and he turned back around (to face front) and he turned around again and that was when I pulled the Jenna Marbles face. Loljk but it was close to it.

Speaking of him kissing me no it didn't fucking happen do you think I would have waited until now to tell you one time we were at Borders (now BAM) and it was like Helena, Nico, Tessa, Eric, Danny, and me and we were wandering around (me and Joe weren't friends) and after that we were going up to Helena's to play spin the bottle hang out. Tessa was texting Joe and she was like "What's up" and he was like "Nm bored" and blah blah blah she invited him to come, I cried in the corner, he wasn't able to come.

BUT LIKE HE ALMOST CAME TO HELENA'S HOUSE.

I. COULD. HAVE. FUCKING. KISSED. JOE. 

I know that for a fact. 

1. I ended up kissing all the boys that were there (I think two or three more tagged along (obviously our friends)) 
and
2. They all knew that I was in fucking love with Joe still and they would be like "Yeah. Let's get this over with" and fucking smash our faces together. No doubt.

Or at least that's what Helena&Tessa would've done.

(reason why I fucking love them- They would've done that.)

(after we kissed) I would've either waited five minutes or not and ran walked out of the room to cry. 

Imagine how fucking confused how he would've been... HAHAHHAAHHAA 

Imagine this (or at least this is what I would want to happen.. dear Lord this might... ok will be detailed):

I ran out of the rec room in tears. I heard footsteps behind me and I quickly wiped the tears away, hearing Helena and Tessa calling my name. "What's wrong?!" they asked, finding me curled up on the couch. "You won't even understand if I try to explain!" I buried my head in my knees. I felt their arms unwrap from my shoulders and I heard them moving away. I looked up and I was face-to-face with Joe. I immediately reburied my head in embarrassment. "Please explain, for me?" he asked, afterwards kindly telling the girls to leave us alone for a few minutes. I picked my head up and wiped my face off with the back of my hands. "You'll never feel the same way. I know you didn't enjoy that as much as I did. You never will. That is the only time we will ever kiss. I've loved you for over a year and the feeling has never ever been mutual. I always wanted it to be but I was never in control of that. I don't know what else to say but I still love you. Sorry for this." He hugged me tight after my rambling session. "That's all a lie." I looked at him, our faces just inches apart. 

La la la la la and we kiss la la la HAHAHAHAH THAT WOULD NEVER HAPPEN

I'M SO FUNNY. 


But seriously.


I don't know what I'd do if I got to kiss him


Friendly reminder that Nico used to tell me how much Joe talked about how much he liked me.


Sigh.

  

Don't stop, keep going 'til the moring light!

JOE NEVER TELL ME YOU ARE "ONLY TEASING" ME. THERE IS A GOOD CHANCE I WILL ATTACK YOU AND HAVE MY WAY WITH YOU.

With that said, yeah, so I'm going up the lake tonight, for the weekend, with Helena and Tessa. As you can see.

Ok, so I almost regretted saying that he could come up for the day with everyone.


I'm glad I said it.

La La La I'm gonna go now. (:

We don't need anything or anyone.

GUYS I WAS TALKING TO JOE THE OTHER NIGHT.

((:

So a while ago I was like "I have to give you the note" blah blah blah.

So June 17 I told him to text me.


It was like after 1 AM so he texted me in the morning.

GOD HE WAKES UP EARLY

So our conversation...

J: Hey
A: Hi.. I have a question. :P
J: Ya
A: Since I wanna give you the note, but i probably won't ever see you this summer, do you want me to just text it to you? :P
J: Sure
A: Alright, give me a few minutes...
A: Hi. This note is from around December. Well, it happened in December, & i'm rewriting it. To refresh your memory, it looked like this: 
(post) if i never met you.. my life would be different.. MUCH different.. 
(comments) me: ...&maybe even a little better.. you: :( me: inbox me or text me and i'll tell you why... 
i remember you texting me and saying ":( wow i hurt every1" ... i don't know about everyone, but for me, yeah. why my life might have better if i never met you is because of the way you made me feel. yes, you did hurt me. a lot, actually. but that was my fault. it was my fault for liking you&telling you. hell, it was/is my fault we aren't friends! in all honesty: - i really liked talking to you. -i regret everything i did that night at the plaza. -(when i liked you) i thought about you everyday.. -the reason i stopped liking you was because i knew i'd never have a change. -you've changed. -i miss you. 
no, i don't still have feelings for you. yes, i do miss you. but when i say that, i mean the old 'you'.. the one i used to know. the one who wasn't mean around his friends.. you were nice to me, and you were a good friend.. if i'm allowed to call you that. i really don't know what to call us now.. aquaintances? nothing more, that's for sure. you used to be the nicest boy i had ever met, you were so funny&nice&... i just don't know. there was so much in my heart for you and i don't know how to explain it. i cant put words to it. i apologize. all i ask is for you to finally forgive me... lastly, i'm sorry. for everything. i hope we can work something out. 
J: U type really fast
A: Thanks, i think
J: Your welcome
A: i don't know what to say right now, sorry.
J: Its okay
A: That didn't help...

Then later that night:

J: Heeeeyy
A: Heyy
J: Whats up?
A: Watching tv with tessa, hub?
J: Nothing bored
A: That stinks
J: Interesting u both said that

--i'll explain later--

A: What, you're texting her too?
J: Yep I sent a group message

--way to make me feel special--

A: Oh, that's cool. Who else?
J: Matt Sheerer cam Coyer cait m Lacey a girl from vv

--i hope you're not a stalker--

A: Who's matt? i've seen him on fb but never heard of him otherwise
J: From NP
A: Oh.. that's cool.
J: Yep
A: So how's talking to like 7 girls?
J: They didn't all answer
A: Oh, well then how's talking to a few girls?
J: Good i guess
A: That's good.
J: Ya i guess

--way to make things awkward joe.--

A: Haha yeah..

SO ANYWAY,

We knew he sent a group message so me and Tess were playing him right back and saying the same thing but I think he stopped texting her and kept texting me.


GAH GUYS MY DANCE RECITAL IS TOMORROW

--i say 'guys' like there are more than one of you people out there... if there is even one anymore.--

I'M SO NERVOUS

So during dress rehearsal today I go off stage after out Hairspray dance and into our changing room. My costumes were in the bag in the order of the show, so I quickly changed into my outfit for Footloose. Well, my mom decided to put be ballet costume (which was before Footloose) in the costume bag for the 2nd half of the show (Ballet/Footloose are in the 1st half) so I missed that dance.

I CHANGED INTO THE WRONG COSTUME AND MISSED THE DANCE. THE DANCE I NEEDED PRACTICE ON!

Oh well, at least it wasn't the night of the recital.

I just hope I don't do that on the night of the recital.. OHSHIT THAT'D BE BAD.

I won't give up on us.

I have a random headache. 

It probably means I should go to sleep now, but you know me. 

I won't do that.

So my Facebook is just sitting on Joe's wall, while I try to think of a truth for him.

I have to think of something different.

Should I tell him to text me and tell him about the note?







Or is that not a good idea?


Ugh I don't even know... 


I might... I think I will..

I can't say I don't care.

Wow, I can't believe I actually found this. December 11, 2011. 

7 months ago, today, this happened. 

Wow. I.. don't know what to say. 

I wrote him a 5 page note that I never gave him. 

I'm rewriting it and I might give it to him, but I don't know yet. :P

Wow. I'm about to start crying almost. 

If you want to get together, you have toGETher.

HI LOVELIES! 


It hasn't been a week since we got out of school! 


I literally can't wait for this summer. We're going to do our best to make this summer amazing. 


I'm excited. 

Just around the corner there's heartaches.

Hi. So. I was talking to this girl on kik. She knows about Joe.

It was almost two in the morning, and I kiked her. 

Me: *Sends her a picture of Joe (One I put of him on here in school)* Hi, I can't sleep! I just wanted to say that we haven't talked in a while and I have some news for you!(: First... can you believe I was in love with that? I sure can.. *Sent her two things I put on my blog under that picture* Oh, and these :P sorry! *I explained the paragraph things*
Her: Sorry! My ipod was dead al day! Piece of sh*t! LOL but! Aww! And well Joe, you have described him as a jerk so.. I don't know what he would say! Bet maybe be likes you back! But we will never know! That's a risk you can take!(:
Me: He isn't really a jerk, you just have to get the nice out of him. He comes off as a jerk, but honestly, he was so nice to me. I know he definitely doesn't like me, but I just really want to be friends again.
Her: Well babe! Just follow your heart! You'll know what's right! And if you really love him! I'm sure he will too! I mean, you guys are young but you sure have chemistry! From everything you have said to me about him and you! :)
Me: Thank you. Because I could never tell anyone what I just told you. And my friends would think it was ridiculous and that he'd never like me and stuff. *shrugs*
Her: UGH! They're immature! Don't listen to them! They're just jealous because they don't have what you guys have! And i'm always here for ya' babe!(:
Me: Again, thank you. Because I always think of him. I'm nervous.. My friend has a pool party on Sunday for her birthday and he might be going. She invited him. So he probably is. and like, i am not comfortable with myself in a bathing suit. and i'm not comfortable around him. (coz i'm nervous) so that should be.. interesting.
Her: You have nothing to worry about! if I was tought something. is to be happy with the way you are. everyone is beautiful! and what not show them the real way you are. instead of hiding and lying. because sooner or later they're going to see the real you. and you should never be uncomfortable with your body! trust me! its not worth it!(:
Me: Thank you so much! but i have dance team camp from 9-10, regular dance from from 10 to 12, then back to dance team from 12 to 3 tomorrow, then dance team camp from 9-3 on Sunday as well. so i should be asleep! >.< I kept thinking of Joe and I couldn't sleep ;P but good night, and thank you!(:
Her: Aww! you're in love! :)! Haha! Good night then! and no problem!

I fell asleep then. 

Oh, she's going into 10th, i'm going into 8th. 

She is so nice. I trust her more than anyone. Literally. 

I don't think I'm in love with him again, I think.. Its just the memories. I miss them too much.

Dear Joseph, 

I just want it all back, but I know I'll never get it back. 

I want to text you. I want to be your friend. I want to hang out with you. I want to fix things. I want to change things. I want to undo what happened. What I did. I messed up. I screwed it up for myself. It was my fault. I know that. I just really miss you. I always have. I always will.

-Ashley

The tans will eventually fade, but the memories will last forever.

WHOOOOOO ITS SUMMMERRRR! ;D

SO HAPPY AND EXCITTEEDDD!

I'm gonna miss the people in my class though. :P

But still!

SUMMER 2012! <3

I love this picture (:

Ahaha look at Michael&Mark! They're immitating us! (:

True love never dies~

Ugh, I should be studying for finals.

THEY BLOWWWW. 

Literally, I wish that could be me.

Let us die young or let us live forever.

Today's events:

Woke up around nine. Got ready for dance.

Dance started at ten, ended at twelve.

Went home, showered, got ready to go swimming up Helena's uncle Mo's.

Got picked up by Helena. People: Helena, Tessa, Eric, Nicky and me. 

Once we got there, we got in the hot tub. Me and Helena went in the pool after a bit, &we started out on rafts. It was cold, but you got used to it after a while. It was nice. We all ended up in the pool after me and Helena were in there for like ten minutes. We went back in the hot tub and played truth or dare. I got dared to eat a tree (a leaf). I spit it out. I was allowed to though.

We ordered food, and the guy didn't know how to get there..

So we directed him and then we ate. Then we went back in the hot tub. Then Nico came up to Mo's.

Then we went in the hot tub again. 

Then we played truth or dare again. 

Here's where I get detailed (that's what happens when you're a writer, you get very descriptive. I dunno, its easier to write this as I would a story). Brace yourself.
~
I walked out to the front to meet Nico. I was wrapped in my towel, and it looked awkward. But I'd rather that than walk out in just my bathing suit. He stepped out in normal clothes; a t-shirt and gym shorts. 

I asked him "Where's your bathing suit?" He replied "I'm just swimming in this... Whoa, this house is huge!" I laughed at his comment. "You've never been here before? This is my third time!" I looked at him. "Nope! WHOA!" He started running down the stairs towards the pool. "Hey Nico!" Helena yelled from the hot tub. I ran down after him to put my towel on the chair. I stood next to him while he took off his shoes, and we ran to the hot tub. I jumped right in, the water burning my semi-dry skin. 

"Oh! This is hot!" Nico winced, placing a leg in at a time. He sunk down in the hot water and sat next to me. "Hi, Nico." everyone said. "Hey guys!" he smiled at our friends. "So, back to our game." Eric said, looking at each of us. After a bit, it was Eric's turn again. "Ashley, truth or dare?" Everyone's eyes fell on me. "Uhmm, dare." I looked at him. "I dare you to kiss.. Nico." I looked at Nico and then back at Eric, and then back at Nico again. We kissed on the lips, and I looked down, playing with the water. 
~

That's the end of the really detailed part... for now. So, I ended up kissing Nico once, Eric three times, and Nicky once. 

We attempted a fire, but failed.

Here's a short detailed part.

~
We all started to pile into the car. Helena climbed in the passenger seat, and the rest of us found a spot in the back. Tessa climbed over the back seat into the way back, next person in the car was Eric. He sat all the way to the right of the back seat, and then I climbed in next. "Who else is going in the back?" Helena asked us. "I will." Nicky and Nico said at the same time. "Nicky, you can go in back." Nico climbed in the back seat. "Come here Nico, give Nicky room to get in the back." I told Nico, pulling him onto my lap. I held him there for as long as we needed, letting Nicky into the back seat. 

He slid off my lap, into the spot to the left of me. "Can I see your iPod?" Nico asked me, looking at my face. "Sure, let me find it." I started digging for my iPod in my bag. "Found it. Here you go!" I smiled at him. "Thanks!" he smiled at me, unlocking my iPod. He went on a bunch of my apps, asking me random questions about my iPod. 

Nicky was the first to get dropped off, so Nico had to climb into my lap again. I helped him onto me, and held his waist. My head rested lightly against his back and he turned around and looked at me. I tried to avoid eye contact, because I thought it'd be awkward in the position we were in. 

Once it came his turn to get dropped off, he turned to the right even though the door was to the left of him. He looked at me and smiled, saying "Bye guys!" he climbed out of the car, and ran up to his house.
~

End of the detailed part.

Then we went to Tessa's house and watched The Outsiders. 

I just realized, on June 1st, that a year ago that day, I asked out Joe. Gosh.